Via the lovely Sandra Wright.

“Life is just a snowball, which melts abruptly.”

My father died on Monday night.  Still trying to let that sink in.

I wrote that sentence back on Wednesday, and didn’t have any other words.  I’m not sure I do now.  We didn’t speak anymore, but from what I can gather, he had an advanced cancer, was in a lot of pain, and decided to end his life.

I’m ok – alternately awkward and fumbling in my thoughts, but muddling through everything.  Hugs to you all.

Via Sandra Wright.

Last week was horrific, but I’m not ready to talk about it yet.  Since Valentine’s Day is upon us, I thought this more appropriate – I hope you all have a beautiful one. 

I loved to fly kites when I was a kid – I love wind in general.  We used to ride around in the back of my father’s truck, standing on the toolbox and holding on to the rails for dear life.  Terrifying, but the feeling of the wind on your face was priceless.  Desire to be free?  Absolutely…only 34 more years to retirement. 

What are you dreaming about lately?

Found this picture online today along with this caption:

“I want everything about you tattooed onto my skin. your birthday. your middle name. your favourite lyrics. the way you look when you’re trying not to cry. the taste of you on my lips. the time you spent the whole day telling me everything you knew about the sun, the sky, the clouds, just so i wouldn’t think about what day it was. the shaky smile you gave me when you told me you loved me for the first time. all things i’m going to want, forever.
i want you, permanent.“

As the new year rolls around, I’ve been thinking about love…or rather how I love.  According to people who know me well, I’m lacking in gray areas when it comes to love – I’m either in love or I’m not; you’re either with me or you’re not, which is why the above quote struck a cord with me.

In relationships, I’m 100% monogamous, expect my partner to be the same, and I’m not afraid to walk away if my trust is broken.  In the current climate of meaningless hookups, booty calls, and ‘friends with benefits,’ this seems to shock people, lol.  I guess my question is why should I accept anything less than I give, in any aspect of my life?

Hope lessens as time passes, the hope that I will find someone who sees things the way I do, but the yearning for all the things I want, middle names and lyrics, shaky smiles, the things I want, permanent, still burns brightly.  My hope for 2012 is that it always does.

Happy New Year’s everyone, what are you hopes for 2012?

Wishing everyone a happy holiday, even if it’s a bit unconventional. 

Hugs,

Kate

All the gifts wrapped that have come in?  Check.

Watched all my favorite holiday movies/specials?  Hm…I’ll have to get to work on this one.  My all time favorites are Mickey’s Christmas Carol, Home for the Holidays (with Holly Hunter and Robert Downey Jr.), and A Christmas Story, which I watch pretty much all day on December 25, lol.

What are your favorite movies/tv specials/carols for this time of year?

And also I had to post this:

I absolutely adore the innocence of the white eyelet nightie compared to the naughtiness that is going on underneath it. 

Of course, my gratitude to all that have been reading, especially those who left comments: Kaki, Em, Larken, Michael, Season, LSW, RD, Ronnie…so many to name.  A very very special thank you to Paul, who commented on every post and always made me smile with his kind words, even when I was having a terrible day.  Tis an honor to be in your presence, kind sir.

Kisses to you all!

The coldest I’ve ever been was when I went to England for 9 days.  Everyone told me how rainy it would be, so I’d prepared for that, but it was the cold that made me miserable…plus it didn’t rain once!  Bude and Brighton had wind howling off the ocean, Stonehenge was so cold we could only be outside for 5 minutes at a time, Exeter was where I started sleeping fully clothed with my clothes for the next day under the covers with me.  I would undress while in the warm bed and redress quickly so I didn’t lose any body heat.

What I will never understand is why they turned their heat off at night.  During the day I get, no one is home, but at night, when it’s coldest and I wake up being able to see my breath inside the room?  Heat please!

What’s the coldest you’ve ever been?

It’s difficult for me to write that, even after all these years, since I grew up in a house where you weren’t really allowed to cry.  Someone walked by my office wearing my father’s aftershave, which triggered a flashback.  Thankfully I was able to hold it together until I got to the restroom, but it’s not been a good day.

On sites and boards for survivors, you’ll see the word ‘trigger’ a great deal, especially in posts where people talk about their personal experiences.  The last thing anyone wants to do is send someone spiraling into a panic attack.  So if you’re a survivor, the video below might be a trigger.

This song, “Me and a Gun” by Tori Amos, was written by the artist about her rape.  As sad as it is, I watch it so I don’t feel so alone in all of this.  Yes, Tori was raped, but she found a way to survive.  She helped create RAINN, which helps thousands of men, women, and children that are survivors of sexual assault, and she can sit in front of hundreds of people and sing this song, essentially baring her soul for all to see.

If you’re interested in the specific lyrics, watch the video on the actual youtube website…the user posted the lyrics under the ‘show more’ tab:

Hugs to all of you,

Kate